The Anatomy of peace : resolving the heart of conflict (the Arbinger institute)

For my parenting class I am reading The Anatomy of Peace. I was expecting it to be a chapter by chapter look into different subjects which help in creating peace. It is actually told in a story about parents dropping off their troubled kids for a program to promote positive change in the kids, but is really addressing how the parents need to change as well for anything to be long lasting. I like the book thus far and would read more of it now if I didn't have so much school work to do. I'll edit this blog until I have reached the end. For right now the thing I have pulled from it is that we should be focusing on what is going wrong when trying to help people or make an environment of peace, but focusing on helping things go right. That means not criticizing and correcting all the time. Instead finding ways to promote positivism. 

picture from the book 

So I have decided that I am not going to go all the way into what I learned in this book. I enjoyed discovering it too much to spoil it for someone else. However I highly recommend it as it has helped me realize that it is common to fall into negative self defeating thinking/behaviors, but if you are aware of how it happens and how to get away from it you will have a heart of peace, not of war. 

Do parents matter?

 Craig H. Hart wrote the article Combating the myth that parents don't matter where he brings up research on how a parents interaction with their children effect that kind of person they are. With so many Homosexual rights activists out there many articles have been published that show that heterosexual parents are unnecessary because men and women don't bring unique contribution to the helping and development of a child. This is untrue. a "natural family" using the correct tools will be able to give their children great success  even more than that of a single or cohabitation  parents. It gives children a place to see how interactions should work and especially for fathers it shows girls how they should be treated. I find it interesting that fatherhood had been so attacked because fathers are often the bread winners of the family and not at home as much as a mother. Studies have shown that fathers matter. I know that fathers matter. I wouldn't have chosen my husband if not for the example of my Dad in how he treated my mother when I was younger. My mom nurtured me  and my dad pushed me out into the world with the knowledge that both of my parents would be there for me. 

Advice for the future

Brenna M. Hicks is a child therapist who blogs about common mistakes that parents make and explains children's behavior. Her article 10 things not to say to your kids makes complete sense, but unless you read it they are things you don't really think about. I am not a mom yet, but I became a co-parent with my other two sisters after my mom died for our three youngest so I have had experience. I think the thing that I used to do which I can tell never worked was the wait until dad gets home (#4). It took sometimes, but we (me and my sisters) stopped that when we realized it didn't work and made the less responsive. Brenna explains that because it is a threat and making the children fearful you are breaking trust. It is better to ask it they wanted to tell by themselves or if they wanted to do it together. So they don't escape the consequences, but can still trust you and you show that you respect the. 

So my dad is getting divorced

I wrote the last entry a while ago and that was then that I was at my most hopeful that things would work out. But sometimes these things just don't work out. I a little resistant to the idea that they should get divorced, but I came to a conclusion: They aren't good for each other any more. They weren't helping each other grow. They were holding each other back. I wish the best for RaLyn, but it just isn't with my dad. It is a funny positively neutral feeling tied all together closure and...I guess the word is peace or ease...no something between that.

We were talking about blended families today and I ended up getting up and drawing it on the board. It made me think of what I include as family.

First I have myself

I just got Married in November so I have started my own family 

I have my Dad and Ralyn as well as Cindy and David as my in-laws

Originally my family was just us four 

We've grown a bit. So for those who are keeping count 4 sister in-laws (three my husbands sisters which is all of his family besides parents), 2 brother in-laws, 1 best friend, 3 biological siblings, 3 adopted siblings, 3 step siblings in the picture and 3 step siblings out of the picture, 1 sister in-law and 5 (1 in heaven) parents not in this picture .  Grand total of  25 in my family, 14 in my immediate family with out marriages, 10 more added on because of marriages and 1in heaven.




Yes, it is complicated to answer questions about my family. 

One of the hard things is not understanding where you place is. It is easy to get lost in such a big family, especially when we all have so much baggage to go with it. I really worry about my family. I worry it wont work when I despicably want it to. We talk of the statistics of a blended family and that half the time they don't make it. It been 2 years since they got married and things have been crazy. It felt good to hear in class that  blended families should 1. wait at least 2 years for normalcy (mine might need a bit longer) 2. have bio parents do the heavy parenting (which is done) 3. make step parents more like a good uncle or aunt (getting closer on that) and 4. conferencing together (  think this is getting better but really I don't know because I am not part of that. Which is how it should be). Really we are on the right track our track just happens to be more like a hot wheels race track than a train track. But that is okay, it doesn't mean we can't be a family or that we won't make it. It just means more work. 

VS

Parents have ears too

                                        
There is something to be said of a good listener no matter what your age and who you are. When you are with someone who listens well you feel validated and appricated and what to be closer to them. It is a good thing we have ears. Doctor Popkins points out the errors that some parents make by being passive listeners and instead of addressing the needs of their teenager they

1. Be a know-it-all/lecturing ( here's what you don't know)
2.interrogate (why did you do that? when? where? how?)
3. command ( you will do this)
4. use sarasm (yeah....that'll work *not*)
5. give advice ( advice is good as long as it isn't something you are just saying to say like if you teen comes in and says I am tired you don't just say " well them you should get to bed earlier to keep your body healthy and strong")
6. have negative expectations ( don't worry you wont make it anyway)
7. psychologize them ( how does that make you feel?)
8. focusing on mistakes ( its just like this time that you didn't do what you  were supposed to)
9. moralizing (when I was a kid we had better morals than you do now)

Really listen to what the person is saying, listen to their tone and body language. When you ask "how are you doing?" and someone says "fine" that doesn't mean that it is fine unless their tone and body language said so as well. I know that I have used these before on people I am talking to and I am not even a parent yet. I fall under 1,5 and 7 most of the time, but when we recognize that these are weaknesses we have we can better prepare to listen to our kids (or friends or co-workers or whoever) and instead of being great responders.

Fatherhood

These are the fathers in my life right now. To the left is my father, to the right is my father-in-law. Some people wonder if fathers are necessarily or if mothers are enough or if parents are needed at all. I would say YES! We need our Dads. Fathers help us to Build confidences by giving us a chance to fail in a safe environment, Communicate in that they help children expand linguistically, Disciple is focused on following rules and fairness, they prepare children for the real world in that they focus on the consequences of actions in future life. Give a look into the world of men in showing both boys and girls how men should act and treat women. 

I remember being terrified of driving outside of the lines. I would stare at the road just three feet in front of my bumper and wobble the car back and forth trying to keep in perfectly safe and I usually hugged the white line because I was scared of oncoming traffic. On one of these drive to a work site the road was very narrow curvy and downhill dissent with a sheer drop on the right side of the car. Dad was having me drive and I was freaking out about it. Finally at a straight part of the road he told me to cross over the middle yellow line, when I thought I was their he told me I wasn’t even close. He then had me drive into the other lane and back again. He had me do this until I could touch both lines on either side of the road comfortable and understood where the car was actually at. He told me to look into the distances and not so immediately and that I would automatically keep the car where it should be if I were looking in the right place.

I don't know who my husband would be if he didn't have his father. Both of these men aren't talkers, but they are so good at serving one another. At times through out my marriage my husband has taken the insensitive about cleaning the house when I have been stressed and he knew that I couldn't handle it. I can see where he got that from his dad. We got a free Geo for our wedding so we got temporary licences, but hadn't taken off the plates. While we were driving we got pulled over and told we needed to take off the license plates. Chris was frustrated at the police officer and a little embarassed. We told the story to everyone just to break up the mood. In the morning however when we got up we saw that the license plates had been taken off. My father-in-law goes to work at 5 in the morning so he must have gotten up early so he could do that. He knew that my husband was feeling up set so he just did a little thing to help out. I see the same thing in my husband because of it. 

Reference:

Stanton, Glenn. "The Involved Father - Focus on the Family." Focus on the Family: Helping Families Thrive. N.p., n.d. Web. 29 June 2012. <http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/parenting_roles/the_involved_father.aspx>.